Bleh with Barry

Random with a cynical twist of lime.

A Story From written by my Friends and I

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Once upon a time in a land, not so far away from this one, there lived a man in a hill under a giant oak tree stump.

The man was a tree sprite and watched over all the trees in the surrounding woods.

Then he died.

The trees were sad and scared, because they didn’t know who would take care of them.

No one from the outside world knew the tree sprite had died until the leaves of all the trees in the forest began to wilt because of their fear and sorrow.

Suddenly, James Woods appeared, and he began shaving his legs.

As everyone knows, the discarded body hair of James Woods has magical properties.

Bits of the hair landed on the skeletal remains of the tree sprite.

The hair reanimated the bones, and the skull began to speak.

And it told James Woods of a glorious land where liquor flowed from the rocks and cigarettes grew from the trees.

As James’ eyes grew wide with wonder, he whispered to himself, ”

Where might I find this glorious land?”

“You must find Cloris Leechman fore she is the bearer of the one true light,” it said with a sudden snap and fizzled in its hole.

Luckily, James Woods knew Cloris Leechman from a drunken encounter he recalled hazily from years past.

James pulled on his pants, buckled his belt, and headed east.

Along the way to find Cloris Leechman, James found accompaniment from a rag-tag group of individuals.

The first of his motley crew was a washed-up has-been drag queen named Pina Colada.

Pina Colada had a gravelly voice that sounded like rocks in a blender and smoked like a chimney.

His second companion was Murphy, a talking chinchilla with a terrible secret in his past.

James Woods, like Murphy the Chinchilla, was no stranger to heartache.

His third companion was a small hobbit child named Beefy.

They called him Beefy because, well, he like to eat . . . a lot. . .

His fifth and final companion was Diana Ross, pop diva of the 70’s and 80’s, who with her glittery lasso of justice rounded out the group.

Together, they had the fantastic traveling name “The Exploding Penguins” but apart they were known as…

… well-respected craftsmen that all disagreed on what the noblest of all professions actually was.

They constantly argued if sewage waste remover, alligator caretaker, Royal foot-licker, chief breath inspector, or toothpick maker was the best and most productive societal occupation to have.

They finally agreed that sword swallowing while dancing on hot coals was the most respectable job and decided that they better get on with their quest.

As Beefy had won the argument, they all had to pay him 5 gold pieces and buy him a latte (which they only called creamy goodness in those days) before they could begin.

But they couldn’t find a coffee shop, or even a bookstore (the most popular in that day being Tomes ‘r Us) that happened to sell wonderful coffee concoctions, so they were all quite perturbed and undercaffeinated, which is a dangerous combination.

They did, however, come across a witch who promised them magic coffee beans if they completed a small task for her.

The witch, of course, had a secret agenda of her own because she hated all coffee that was not straight black.

The witch’s plan was temporarily thwarted, however, because none of the members of The Exploding Penguins actually wanted to bother with completing her task, so Beefy, though knowing that this action would probably and in fact almost certainly come back to haunt him, hit the witch over the head, which of course knocked her unconscious, and stole the box she said contained the magic coffee beans.

Alas; they had no coffee grinder!

Never to fear though, James Woods had his handy shovel of divination which he could use to crush the beans with and his espresso making lamps of wishes to brew the brew with.

Once they were all sufficiently caffeinated, they discussed the appropriate method of finding out Cloris Leechman’s whereabouts.

And suddenly as if by magic (or the fact that he had just used it to crush coffee beans) James remembered he carried the Shovel of Divination.

As Murphy the chinchilla came over to see what James was going to do with the shovel he fell into James and made him drop the shovel down into a vast pit filled with Carrot Top props.

However, being the Shovel of Divination, it called piteously to James who constructed a rope so that he could climb into the pit and rescue it.

Upon climbing down the rope to rescue his shovel, the rope snapped in half and James fell into the pit with such force that his leg was pinned underneath Carrot Top’s See Saw, Lou Diamond Phillips’ skull, and his Razzie Award for his film Chariman of the Board.

However, Diana used her lasso of justice to rope James and drag him and the shovel to safety.

As they stood there in amazement at Diana’s strength, they could see a very old man running towards them at top speed!

Since the old man’s eyesight was quite poor, he tripped over the recently recovered Shovel of Divination and fell headlong into the Pit o’ Props.

Diana was much too tired from rescuing Mr. Woods, so Pina Colada and Beefy had to pull the old man out of the pit while singing Pina Colada’s #1 hit single, “You couldn’t “drag” me away from you.”

Finally, they were all free of the Pit of Prop Comedy (otherwise known as the Pit of Despair) when, much to their dismay, Cloris Leechman walked right out of the forest and said that she had been watching them on their long journey and that their journey did not end by finding her.

She went on to say that they all had to follow her into the woods where they would come upon a boat that would take them down the river to a cartographer who would tell them exactly where they needed to go, but on the way into the woods they……….

….discovered the extremely bloated and entirely pungent dead body of the cartographer.

Suddenly, from across the river, they heard a maniacal laugh and saw through the fog and flame James’s old nemesis….

…….Barbara Streisand who was covered in the blood of the cartographer.

She yelped at them with a most horrible and gutteral tone and said…

“That’s what he gets for staring at my nose too long!”

And with a “poof” of black smoke, the witch disappeared into the blackness of the forest taking Murphy the Chinchila with her.

They were devastated by the loss of Murphy since he was there unofficial and much beloved mascot, and vowed to never rest until they got him back.

They proceeded on their journey for about 500 feet, then rested because Pina needed to sit down, and again swore they would never rest till they got Murphy back

While Pina was catching her breath, she clutched at her chest and fell to the ground convulsing.

Fortunately, Diana Ross knew immediately what to do because she had seen Pina do this time and time again (and being a certified lifeguard at the Hollywood YMCA didn’t hurt either).

So Diana touched Pina sexually and because Pina was trying to get away from those grubby hands of Diana’s, Pina’s heart skipped a beat and then started to beat normally.

While Pina was recovering from her harrowing experience, the essence of Murphy appeared.

Murphy ‘s glowing apparition hovered over the stunned group and said, “The witch is really quite put out with the lot of us having taken her coffee beans (especially since she hadn’t finished making her cafe-latte with extra cream, cinnamon, whip cream, and chocolate shavings sprinkled generously over the top which she depend on to keep her spells …working just right as she plots to take over the land of flowing liquor and cigarette trees) and, as such, she demands that the group bring back the silver avocado from the fire-lands of the Deep South where the jalapenos are purple and served on artificial black corn tortillas by under-paid Taco Bell employees.”

But James Woods chimed in a said, “There is no way in Satan’s Red Hell that I am going anywhere that bitch tells me to go!”

Then Diana slapped him for interrupting the apparition of Murphy’s parenthetical statement, for Diana knew that apparitions are a shifty bunch and might wreak havoc or simply disappear if they are not allowed to say their piece.

Then the witch appeared in physical form holding Murphy by the back of the neck and threatened to cut his furry, little throat if they did not shut up and listen to the instructions for the mission she had for them.

So James, Pina, and Diana listened intently as the witch told them to go to the fire lands and pick a silver avocado as the first part of their repayment to her and that she would ponder what else they “owed” her while they were fulfilling this task for her.

But before they got on their way, Beefy had to use the bathroom because he ate a lot of ribs earlier that morning.

While waiting for Beefy, the group began to formulate a plan to rescue Murphy with as little effort as possible.

Diana revealed to the group that the silver avocado was guarded by the most feared animal known to man: a fire-breathing naked mole rat.

But then Diana said that she was trying to liven up the mood by telling a naked mole rat joke, so they still had no idea where the avocado actually was.

Beefy returned and said that he’d heard it was actually in an underground avocado orchard in the bowels of the earth near the French Quarter.

After smacking Diana for that horrible joke, they ventured on to find that beautiful and extremely haunted avocado orchard.

It was several hours later that they found the Valley of True Evil, where the avocado orchard was.

It was called the Valley of True Evil because frightening creatures, such as Republicans and Democrats, Marxist, Communists, and other political types, jealously guard the avocados and refuse to share them with the rest of the free world unless you pay a tax used for obscure purposes to gain further control over all.

The witch was close by and could see that they had made it to their destination.

With a cackle, she cast a spell that made them argue concerning their political orientations!

Murphy’s spectre appeared and beheld the chaos with dismay not realizing that this was all his fault since he had commented that the quest was doomed to fail and his word was law.

Yet, in the heat of the moment a figure stepped out from the shadows and began to sing such an alluring version of the “Milkshake Song” that all stopped to gaze in wonderment as the last lines of the song came from Queen Latifah’s lips.

James fell to his knees, for the Queen had been thought to be dead for years.

He kissed her hand, but noticed that her hand was only bone and had no skin on it whatsoever.

She’d gone a little overboard with the Jenny Craig diet.

“I am here to guide you all through this foul land” she spake, clenching James’s hand in hers (because odd side note She and James had been romantically involved for many centuries as they are both eternal ones).

She led James down a rickety, rope bridge while the others followed them with much caution.

Beefy glowered for he was secretly a she and had been harboring a crush on James since before the adventure had started.

Beefy was actually a 26 year old woman trapped in a 9 year old girl’s body.

When they reached the other side of the bridge, they heard the menacing wails of Courtney Love, a creature of immense power and disease, could be heard echoing off the trees and Queen Latifah knew that her journey had ended because she would have to fend this beast off from her friends and lover.

James told all of his friends to stay behind while he went forth to find Courtney and rid the world of her once and for all.

Queen Latifah whispered, “James, they need you…go, and I’ll fight off this creature.”

With a tear in his eye, he stayed with his friends and let Queen Latifah go forth and try her best to slaughter the biggest hooker in the world

So, James, Diana, Beefy, and Pina parted from Queen Latifah and continued on their way into the Forest of Transvestites which lay in the opening of The Valley of True Evil.

Ru Paul was at the entrance of the Forest and demanded that they each do an evil deed to prove that they are worthy of entering the Valley.

However, Pina being the quick thinking one of the group called upon the ancient Pack of Priscilla Queen of the Desert which is a one on one “drag” off between two consenting drag queens.

Written by uncannynerdyguy

February 1, 2010 at 2:47 pm

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