Bleh with Barry

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Archive for the ‘life’ Category

Things I Never Want to Admit that I Want to Myself or Others

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So I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I know that those who know me are so surprised (*sarcasm*). And I’ve been trying to figure out what I really want from the here and now and from life in general. So I’m listing some things here. However, now, you have to really wonder if these are the deepest recesses of my soul or if these are the ones that I will allow myself to share.

  1. A full-time job. While working part-time at many different places can be rewarding in a lot of ways, the fact that I work several jobs and always feel like I’m meeting myself coming and going is not fun. I’m currently looking for something a little more permanent, but I know that permanency is not something that is necessarily 100% super either.
  2. Being published for something. I know that this sounds a little vague or whatever, but I really want something of mine to be published by someone. I know that I could self-publish and that this is still an option, but I want for someone in the traditional publishing field to want something of mine so much that they offer me that golden ticket contract. I say this as I have submitted a short story recently, am prepped to submit a selection to an open call pub., and have several other things that I’m working on creatively. These are all the crazy things that are consistently running through my little mind, and I have hope that something will come of it, maybe.
  3. Inner piece. Recently, I have put myself out there in ways that I cannot describe here nor want to. I have done as Miss Frizzle said. I took chances, got messy and made mistakes. And now, I feel like I am dealing with the fallout of these things emotionally as well as in the real world. I don’t know what will become of all the stuff, but I really want to get to a place where I feel like I’m not a raw nerve, and while I know that many people would never know what is going on in my head, I want the calm and collected demeanor to be a reality within the framework of my own head.
  4. Love and intellectual companionship. I’ve always imagined myself as a loner and as someone who would be alone with their 40 dogs, cats, and fish much later in life. This was never a thought that I would have pondered until recently. As pragmatic and logical person who is capable of reading people and situations quite well, connecting with people is hard. I don’t make friends or start relationships with people easily. This is even more true of those that I feel might last or be lasting. As a person who has grown up around people with faulty relationships, seen marriages fall apart, and gotten jaded by any number of events, I find it hard to admit to myself that I have this desire. My family says that I’m picky, but  as shallow as it sounds on some level, I can’t be with just anyone because I have to feel that spark not only of attractiveness but of intellectual compatibility. For me, attractiveness and sexual compatibility goes beyond whether or not someone is “hot.” I could really give a shit less about whether a person is the hottest thing that has ever walked the earth, but to feel that connection and to be able to hold an intellectual conversation, I don’t know how to describe it but damn… dayum.
  5. Change. I don’t do well with instability paired with monotony. While these may sound like conflicting ideas, I talk now about the monotony of being in a particular situation while feeling like that position is precarious. As such, I long for change. I may have to manufacture the change on some level, and I don’t know what that will be. However, I need to roll along and find something. While this may be weird to those that long for the everyday or the ordinary (and these things aren’t bad), I need something more, and I am becoming uniquely aware of this with every passing moment in my own head.

So there you have it. A few thoughts from this chaotic head of mine. I find writing to be cathartic, and maybe, you’re feeling the same way too. If so, feel free to chat with me in the comments below.

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Written by barryr22

March 2, 2016 at 11:10 pm

Posted in goals, life, writing

30 and Existential Crises

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So I know that I’m not the only person who has ever turned 30, that my plight is one uncommon to other people out there, or any number of other things that people may or may not say about turning 30 (I also know that age is just a number and that I’m not that old). I also get that I am probably going to come off sounding like a whiny bitch to some people, and that’s fine. However, all I know is that I have done it once and will never do it again (unless I decided to remain perpetually 30 and lie about my age, which I also find to be a little weird if we’re just being honest with ourselves). And to be honest with you people of the internet, I’m not sure how I’m taking it. I constantly move somewhere between existential crisis and zen master of aging (everywhere in between is also an option here too), and I honestly think this is okay (maybe on a dark and stormy night when the moon is full and I transform into some sort of 30-ish monster…).

Yet even as I oscillate between this mode of questioning my existence as a non-twenty year old and accepting my place as a kick-ass mother fucker, I find myself contemplating life in general and things that I had never thought about till the last couple of years, mostly deal with my interpersonal relationships and where I view myself in the next five, ten, or twenty years.

I often joke with my friends that my life is in a mode that I need to either settle down and have a family with my 2.5 kids that the government or some sort of study says that I’m statistically supposed to have or move to far off lands and find my way in an entirely different world away from everything. While both of these ideas freak me out in many ways, part of me is longing for one or the other in various ways, even as I write this post.

For the past few years, I have lived a life that has not been a bad one. By no stretch of the imagination am I contemplating some sort of wrong turn that I’ve made. I have enjoyed the ride and the positions that I have been put in to a large degree (yes, everyone doubts something at some point). However, I am very painfully aware that I need a change and that where I am at is not satisfying me to the degree that I want anymore. This is where the dilemma lies. I am constantly thinking about the future and wondering where I fit in the grand scheme of the world, and this is the constant nagging conundrum that I often find myself in when I’m looking off into the distance  and people wonder if they have pissed me of, if someone peed in my Cheerios, etc. Dilemmas like these are not easily quashed, and even as I am one who plans fairly carefully and knows the path that I want to take, I find myself at a stalemate with myself in the current situation.

My first dilemma that I keep contemplating is whether or not I want to go to graduate school. I have many great individuals in my life that tell me I have so much potential and that I should pursue my PhD in order to give myself a leg up in the world that I am now in the middle of, higher education. While there are parts of me that think about this and get more excited than me getting excited about X-Men (if you haven’t ever read my blog, this is a lot), I find myself contemplating the vast inability to know if I will truly be successful with another degree or if I will be happier with a further advanced education. I am not knocking anyone who is pursuing higher education. I love it. Education is something that I am adamant about whether it be at a traditional four-year college / university, community college, or technical school. I believe that being educated is something that everyone should have if they desire it. My dilemma comes in the fact that I constantly question whether I am doing what I am supposed to do in the world or not. I love teaching. Even when my students are at their most annoying or I’m at my most exhausted, I find it a pleasure and an honor to be able to influence a group of persons to be better thinkers and writers, yet I also find myself wondering if I really do make that great of an impact from what I am doing. Thus, I constantly struggle with the question of whether or not to continue down this pathway.

Now, I’m not saying that I’m completely disillusioned with the idea of education, and if you check back with me in a year or two, I may nose-deep in a pile of books on medieval and early modern literature. I’m just saying, right now, I question my choices and am trying to make the right decision of me concerning this.

My second dilemma deals with the idea of being where I am at this particular moment. While this sounds vague, I am referring here to the idea of physical space. Right now, I sit in my apartment warm and comfortable close to people and places that have been around me all my life, and this is a nice feeling. I have told people before about my experience when I went away to college the first time. I got really homesick and ended up coming back to a college that was closer to my family. I have never doubted this move because it was the right thing for me to do at the time. My time at the smaller college allowed me to grow mentally and enabled me to grow slowly into the person that I am today. However, in the world that I am a part of now, I wonder if living in small town USA is really the right move for me at this moment in my life. I will tell you that I have never been one to take great risks or to put myself out there in a non-calculated or planned way (I guess it comes from the territory of being an INTJ on the Meyers-Briggs test); however, I find myself more and more everyday longing for the adventure of the the unknown.

I tell my students all the time that in my academic work I constantly find myself drawn to the mystical, to the sublime in works of literature. I find myself drawn to the things that border our reality, and I kind of want myself to be out there on the fringes, to be the one walking that border of the possible (the possible here being my life and what could be). I’m not saying that I want to escape into the wilds of Canada (maybe I have thought of this… and maybe if Trump is elected president… who knows?), but part of me is telling me that it is time to find something else out there “in the great wide somewhere” (to quote Belle from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast). I keep contemplating what might be best for me, and it becomes hard to think about striking out and doing this on my own. Still the thought of the matter intrigues me and makes me wonder what is in store for me in coming years (again maybe my “great wide” will be an adventure to PhD school). Who knows?

My final dilemma of late concerns my interpersonal life, especially as it concerns the aforementioned “getting married and having kids” thing. I know that they say that women’s biological clocks have a way of sneaking up on them and making them desire this (not to sound sexist or anything [#femist4life], but I have heard many female friends comment on this phenomenon or lack thereof). For most of my life, I have been a loner and have been perfectly fine with this. I like my own company and seek to have a lot of it most of the time (again, INTJ… we don’t do the whole introvert thing to be social butterflies).

Social media: “It’s is a trap!” (thanks Admiral Ackbar for that). I see on various social media sites my peers, friends from high school and college, and various others that I’ve engaged with on my journey (Not the band), and I see their lives and how they have fallen in love, wedded (or not. No judgement. I’m not sure about the whole marriage thing anyway. Again, INTJ), and had children. While I understand that these images and the reality that is portrayed on social media does not represent the real (this is a conversation for another time dealing with the complex ideology of people making themselves out to be better on social media than they are and the idea that social media presents a false truth and causes other to sink into depression… and all that), I do understand the desire to be with someone who completes you entirely and who you love unendlessly. I understand the desire to bring a new being into this world as a symbol of this bond, this love. And for some damn reason, I have subconsciously (and consciously at times) been having this manifest within my mind. I’m not saying that I’m going to go out and get married to just anyone (fuck no because I believe in finding the right one), yet much like salmon know that they have to return to their stream to mate (and if I were at work this statement would require me to pay money because of its overall pretentious nature), I feel something tugging on me to find that person that completes me, even though I don’t know whether I’ve met them or not or whether this is in the cards for me as an ultimate reality or not.

Now, that I’ve dropped all this on my readers (who are probably scratching their heads and wondering who I am because I haven’t posted in a while… sorry), my friends (who are now thinking that they might have a mentally unstable person on their hands and want to hug me… don’t… just don’t…), and others who might be experiencing the same things, I want you to know that I’m not really typing this to get a reaction. I’m not wanting attention (and of course some jackass out there is going to say “but that’s what a person wanting attention would say”… *sigh*). I’m wanting to find some semblance of catharsis. A catharsis that can’t be reached by people patting me on the back and saying they understand. It’s one of simple knowledge of where I am and where I am going. I am notoriously bad at sharing my feelings and thoughts (#shocker), and I feel like this might let some people into what has been going on in my mind. But mostly in this reality that surrounds us all, I’m wanting others out there who might be struggling through some of these things (or other issues that are grossly different) to know that they’re not alone. You can feel, and you can debate. There’s nothing wrong with that. And even if you don’t share, there are people out there that commiserate with you across the distance although you might not know them.

And with this, I bid you all ado for the evening.

 

Written by barryr22

December 4, 2015 at 10:38 pm

The Gift of Blood

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So I’m writing this post while waiting to give blood. While I do this because the need is always there, sometimes I secretly hope that they’ll find something weird in my blood… Something super hero-y… Though I know his will probably never happen (a fanboy can dream), it’s a good motivator.

Written by barryr22

February 4, 2013 at 12:51 pm

Posted in life

Tagged with , ,

It’s Time: An Ad about Marriage Equality

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So I’m not usually political on here… however, I saw this today and had to share with those who frequent my blog.

The video above is a commercial in Australia that is trying to fight marriage discrimination, and I agree it is discrimination that two people in love can’t get married because they are in a same-sex relationship. I have many friends who are Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, or Transgender/Transsexual , and all of them as consenting adults have a right to love who they want and to marry any other consenting adult that they choose. People  argue against it in any number of ways, but in reality,  it’s sad that these people are worried about who is marrying who. May those who preach a message of hate find the error of their ways.

It’s Time Site

Here’s to equal marriage rights soon all over the world!

Written by barryr22

November 27, 2011 at 12:52 am

Unintentional Musical Themes of My Life

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It seems like every time I get into a car of late a couple of songs play that I find weird. One, these songs have not been considered popular music for at least 20 years…which makes it pretty odd that I would continue to find them on the radio, especially since they’re on popular music stations. So, I’m taking it as some sort of cosmic sign; however, the song choice is leaving me wondering what the heck the universe is trying to tell me.

The first song is Alannah Myles quintessential 90’s hit “Black Velvet.” I’ve heard this song at least 10 times in the past week…odd choice universe.

Honestly, I’m familiar with the song (I’m familiar with a lot of 70’s, 80’s, 90’s and further). Yet, I wonder if I’m supposed to be thinking about Elvis or if the thinly veiled sexual metaphor is supposed to be what I’m listening to…it’s really quite mind-boggling.

The second song is even more of an oldie. It’s “Take it on the Run” by REO Speedwagon. Again, another weird choice for the universe to be sending to me…I haven’t”heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it from another that you’ve been messing around.” One, I don’t have that many people who would tell me things about my other friends because we are all spread so far out that we don’t know. Two, I wouldn’t want people to gossip about me, so I wouldn’t about them. Yet, it’s a pretty wonderful song…that’s all I’m saying.

So, yeah…the universe is trying to tell me something. It figures that it would try to speak to me through music, one of the few things that could really get my attention. So, I’m trying to listen, but so far, I’m still coming up nil on the thing as a whole…maybe there’s a piece missing?

Understanding People

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Sometimes, I try to hard to understand why people do the things that they do. Why do some people  create a pattern for their behaviors and then

By CrazyPhunk (Own work) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

do something completely out of this character they have developed? Is it for spite or are they just that sporadic? Why do people choose to be vultures in a parking lot and wait for 15 minutes on a parking place when they could have parked and been in the store already? Why do some people say they are content for years and, then, one day up and completely change what they were doing or who they hang around? Why do people hate those who come to this country to make a better life for themselves by doing jobs that we don’t give two shits about when we are all immigrants ourselves? Why do I ask a shit ton of questions for which I have no answers that even begin to scratch the surface of any of the issues?

I am a people watcher. I like to be around people and interact with them. Now, this should not be mistaken that I like the majority of people because that is simply not true. There are those people who get on my nerves, those that I view as acquaintances, those that I am becoming friends with, those that are my good friends, those that I consider to be my best friends, and then, there’s my family (which is an entirely different story for another time). I like the idea of people, but sometimes they give me no options but to distrust and shy away from them. This comes from the whole idea of really getting into the psyche of a person.  I want to know why people do what they do. What motivates them to be and exist? What causes them to do what they do when they do it? Is there a pattern? Or are they completely random?

By Arquivo da família (Arquivo da família) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Someone might ask me why I do this. It’s because I feel that everyone has something that is worth examining. Now, this may make me sound cold and scientific, but dismantling the why of a person can be interesting and intense. It can also drive you crazy if there seems to be no reason why someone has done something that makes you angry or sad or happy or whatever. I know it makes me crazy because I want to know this “why” of people….we are creatures that are born with a higher functioning brain for a reason. But what is that and why do we choose to do what we do?

At this point, it’s almost one in the morning, and I’m sitting here writing this when I should be in bed. I’m beginning to ramble, but part of me wants to keep writing because sometimes I wonder why it is that I continue to write blogs that deal with poetry, irritating things, random movies, etc. I know that I enjoy doing it, but is this simple answer a good one in and of itself? Or is there something more that I should delve into to really seek out the heart of why it is that I write? That I continue to watch people? That I continue to question why people feel that they don’t have to explain themselves whenever they perform actions that are out of character for them?

Honestly, I know that I will continue to question people’s motivations. However, maybe I should be asking myself: why the fuck do I care? Again, I’m not completely sure…maybe, it’s because I look for the good in people…who knows? Maybe, I’m just crazy myself…

Written by barryr22

October 11, 2011 at 11:51 pm

Music and Its Soothing Effects

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I know that it’s kinda corny at times to think about phrases like “music soothes the savage beast” or more profound ideals like Anais Nin’s “music melts all the separate parts of our bodies together,” but I feel that music can do a lot of these things. Within the past few weeks, I have been a little stressed to say the least (to say the most would not be fun) and haven’t been able to find my focus due to things that are going on in my life. However, tonight, instead of letting myself get bogged down in my own thoughts and crummy feelings, I spent a little while on youtube.com looking up musicals and opera because they intrigue me. Before I knew it, I had spent a care free hour listening to everything from “It’s not Easy Being Green” sung by Big Bird at a Jim Henson tribute (which is heartbreaking) to “Glitter and Be Gay” (a song from Candide the Musical) to The Queen of the Night Aria from Mozart’s Magic Flute. All these songs help me in ways that express a little of what is going on in my head.

It’s a song with a beautiful sentiment to memorialize the memory of Kermit and the man behind him. It also helped to listen to something that was a little blue.

With this one, “The Queen of the Night Aria” performed by Diana Damrau is beautiful and exciting and sort of helps punctuate all the anger, frustration, and angst I’ve been feeling…so yeah…

This last one was just for fun because I needed something to help lift my dark mood. “Glitter and Be Gay” performed by Kristin Chenoweth is pretty amazing because it is light and airy while dealing with some pretty depressing ideals (i.e. she is betrothed to a random duke or other…). It’s a perfect mood lifter…Overall, I feel like this may have help me run a full gambit of emotions while not really thinking about it…while this may not seem healthy or logical to some people, music helps me move along in my mentality and to think through things…maybe you do the same thing and don’t even realize…