Bleh with Barry

Random with a cynical twist of lime.

Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

A Letter to Someone Loved

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So I am posting this letter here because I feel like it needs to be in the air. It needs to have life breathed into it because I will never send it. I expressed my feelings, and the response was not unexpected. However, it still did not exonerate me of my feelings. When you tell someone who has breathed their heart out that “you don’t see it like that now, but maybe,” it creates so many feelings, but yah know.

The letter is here:

I know this might change the dynamic of our friendship and ripple out from there, which is why I’ve been hesitant to even say anything at all. I value our friendship. I think of you as one of my best friends, but I have been dealing with something for a little bit now. And I value honesty in all my relationships, so I feel like I need to tell you something that is very difficult for me as it will change things. Change is always scary, especially when you feel exceptionally vulnerable about the particular subject you need to discuss. But here it goes.

I’m in love with you. I had thought that these feelings had subsided and I wouldn’t have to worry about them again. However, here we are. I remember three years ago, I asked you out, and you said no in a nice way. And I took that rejection in stride. Rejection is a normal part of life, and we weren’t close then. But there have been things going on lately that feel different. Maybe we’re just getting closer (and maybe I’m fucking that closeness with this). Maybe the overthinker in me is clouding my vision, and I would do well not to even say this to you. But I do. I am—I find myself in love with you.

You are intelligent, kind, beautiful (inside and out), and so much more. You are just an all-around wonderful human, and I’m privileged to even know you. I feel a connection with you that I have only really felt with one other person throughout my life. I feel an electricity when I’m around you. You’re special. And this specialness permeates those people that are around you. And I don’t think you even realize this. Again, you are special, and I feel many common bonds with you.

I know I’m probably fucking up a friendship here by telling you all this. I hope not, but I have weighed out the cost here. I never do anything lightly. It’s not what I do, and I think you know that. I don’t know if you feel the same about me in any way. It’s okay if you don’t (although you don’t need my permission for this either… I am well aware of this). I understand how these things work in a logical sense. However, I also know I’m terrible in situations where my emotions get in the way. When my heart is involved, everything becomes muddy, and it takes addressing the situation head-on to gain clarity. I’m sorry that this may come at the expense of our friendship, but I needed to let you know so I can deal with it regardless of what happens. I hope if there is nothing else that we can remain friends, but if not, I understand

 

You must feel. I just hope that the predicaments are more forgiving of you, you lovelies.

Written by uncannynerdyguy

April 16, 2020 at 11:16 pm

Thinking on Death and What One Leaves Behind

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My grandmother passed away recently. She was a great woman who helped raise me and my cousins when we were children, and she has continued to touch my life even after I grew up and didn’t have as much interaction with her as I did then. After a five year battle with cancer, she passed away having seen all her sisters, children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and many nieces and nephews. She leaves behind a legacy that will continue on for a long time to come.

When she planned her funeral, she made it very traditional. She knew exactly what she wanted and had the services carried out in the way that she saw fit. So she went out on her own terms even as she planned them. We even had a laugh at the graveside when we realized that she was late to her own funeral as she and we had said that she would be. She was buried like many people are, and now, there will be a grave that we will visit every year like we do the rest of my grandparents and relatives that have gone on.

However, I find this problematic on so many levels as this sets up a shrine that many will go to to remember her. This is the notion that always makes me a little antsy and causes me to have scruples about what I want when I ultimately go through that process that we all have to. I will tell you that I don’t want people to feel obligated to go to a place and visit me. I don’t want anything like this. I want people to remember me in the small things: a kiss we shared, a laugh, a song we sang too loudly in the car, a judgmental look, whatever it may be. I want it to creep up on them and for them to find themselves suddenly taken with it. Now, this doesn’t mean that I want people to cry (although I know that some might… I’m pretty sure that one of my sisters would if she read this right now), but if that’s the way one reacts, then, they should do it then.

But why I’m writing this now, other than trying to find some catharsis in my grandmother’s loss, is that a student video from Dorian Lebherz & Daniel Titz, two film students, came across my Facebook feed. It is a student directed advertisement for Johnnie Walker Whisky, but it is a beautiful thing. The sentiment is beautiful and is captured in the direction and acting within it. However, the most beautiful part might be the poem voiced-over the entire piece, a poem written by Dorian Lebherz & Daniel Titz and John Reilly:

“Walking the roads of our youth

through the land of our childhood, our home and our truth

Be near me, guide me

always stay beside me so i can be free, free

Lets roam this place

familiar and vast

our playground of green frames, our past

We were wanderers

never lost, always home

When every place was fenceless

and time was endless

our ways were always the same

Cool my demons and walk with me brother

until our roads lead us away from each other

and if your heart’s full of sorrow, keep walking, don’t rest

and promise me from heart to chest

to never let your memories die, never

I will always be alive and by your side,

in your mind

I’m free”

As I write this now, I find myself crying a little, which is big if you know me. There is just something here that touches on everything that I’m thinking and feeling right now. So I hope this doesn’t bum you out too much, but this is just lovely.

 

Written by uncannynerdyguy

March 12, 2016 at 11:36 pm

It’s Time: An Ad about Marriage Equality

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So I’m not usually political on here… however, I saw this today and had to share with those who frequent my blog.

The video above is a commercial in Australia that is trying to fight marriage discrimination, and I agree it is discrimination that two people in love can’t get married because they are in a same-sex relationship. I have many friends who are Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, or Transgender/Transsexual , and all of them as consenting adults have a right to love who they want and to marry any other consenting adult that they choose. People  argue against it in any number of ways, but in reality,  it’s sad that these people are worried about who is marrying who. May those who preach a message of hate find the error of their ways.

It’s Time Site

Here’s to equal marriage rights soon all over the world!

Written by uncannynerdyguy

November 27, 2011 at 12:52 am