Bleh with Barry

Random with a cynical twist of lime.

Things I Never Want to Admit that I Want to Myself or Others

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So I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I know that those who know me are so surprised (*sarcasm*). And I’ve been trying to figure out what I really want from the here and now and from life in general. So I’m listing some things here. However, now, you have to really wonder if these are the deepest recesses of my soul or if these are the ones that I will allow myself to share.

  1. A full-time job. While working part-time at many different places can be rewarding in a lot of ways, the fact that I work several jobs and always feel like I’m meeting myself coming and going is not fun. I’m currently looking for something a little more permanent, but I know that permanency is not something that is necessarily 100% super either.
  2. Being published for something. I know that this sounds a little vague or whatever, but I really want something of mine to be published by someone. I know that I could self-publish and that this is still an option, but I want for someone in the traditional publishing field to want something of mine so much that they offer me that golden ticket contract. I say this as I have submitted a short story recently, am prepped to submit a selection to an open call pub., and have several other things that I’m working on creatively. These are all the crazy things that are consistently running through my little mind, and I have hope that something will come of it, maybe.
  3. Inner piece. Recently, I have put myself out there in ways that I cannot describe here nor want to. I have done as Miss Frizzle said. I took chances, got messy and made mistakes. And now, I feel like I am dealing with the fallout of these things emotionally as well as in the real world. I don’t know what will become of all the stuff, but I really want to get to a place where I feel like I’m not a raw nerve, and while I know that many people would never know what is going on in my head, I want the calm and collected demeanor to be a reality within the framework of my own head.
  4. Love and intellectual companionship. I’ve always imagined myself as a loner and as someone who would be alone with their 40 dogs, cats, and fish much later in life. This was never a thought that I would have pondered until recently. As pragmatic and logical person who is capable of reading people and situations quite well, connecting with people is hard. I don’t make friends or start relationships with people easily. This is even more true of those that I feel might last or be lasting. As a person who has grown up around people with faulty relationships, seen marriages fall apart, and gotten jaded by any number of events, I find it hard to admit to myself that I have this desire. My family says that I’m picky, but  as shallow as it sounds on some level, I can’t be with just anyone because I have to feel that spark not only of attractiveness but of intellectual compatibility. For me, attractiveness and sexual compatibility goes beyond whether or not someone is “hot.” I could really give a shit less about whether a person is the hottest thing that has ever walked the earth, but to feel that connection and to be able to hold an intellectual conversation, I don’t know how to describe it but damn… dayum.
  5. Change. I don’t do well with instability paired with monotony. While these may sound like conflicting ideas, I talk now about the monotony of being in a particular situation while feeling like that position is precarious. As such, I long for change. I may have to manufacture the change on some level, and I don’t know what that will be. However, I need to roll along and find something. While this may be weird to those that long for the everyday or the ordinary (and these things aren’t bad), I need something more, and I am becoming uniquely aware of this with every passing moment in my own head.

So there you have it. A few thoughts from this chaotic head of mine. I find writing to be cathartic, and maybe, you’re feeling the same way too. If so, feel free to chat with me in the comments below.

Written by uncannynerdyguy

March 2, 2016 at 11:10 pm

Posted in goals, life, writing

The Song in My Head: “First Time He Kissed a Boy”

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I found this song today. It popped up in my YouTube feed, and I clicked into it. It’s from Danish band Kadie Elder. And its message is comes from the turmoil that is teenage years in the lives of young men and women. They move from the “first time he kissed a boy” to lead us into what comes next. The idea behind the song is simple, but for me, it sends a positive message.

Growing up in the rural South where being gay / trans / bi is oftentimes looked down on and even seen as a black mark on persons, I think we need a little more of the understanding and positive message inherent here to push the hate and bigotry out of the way. Enjoy the song and the video.

 

Written by uncannynerdyguy

March 2, 2016 at 9:15 pm

Song in my Head: Place of Paradise by Eli Lieb

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This song has been in my head lately. It’s by a relative unknown artist (I know he’s known but not on a grand scale). I found him from his cover of “Wrecking Ball” which is fantastic, but this is an interesting song too. Enjoy.

 

Written by uncannynerdyguy

February 9, 2016 at 10:17 pm

Posted in music

Song of the Day: “I Don’t Want to Go Home” by Nick Mulvey

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This song has been in my head all day. It’s a song about love (as most songs are… Thanks Aida the Musical).  I can’t explain why I like this one… It’s just simple and touching.

Written by uncannynerdyguy

February 4, 2016 at 11:57 pm

Posted in Folk-Pop, music

Songs in My Head: “All I Want” performed by Stevie McCrorie

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Ever since I heard Stevie McCrorie on “The Voice UK,” I fell in love with his voice because of its rawness and sincerity. There’s just something about the way in which he interprets songs that makes me really feel what it is that he is going for if that makes sense to anyone out there in blogland.

His cover of “All I Want,” originally performed by Kodaline, is probably one of my favorites that he does. I hope you enjoy.

 

Written by uncannynerdyguy

January 30, 2016 at 12:20 am

Posted in Fun, music, Musical, Songs

Song in My Head: “Letting You Go” by Luke Sital-Singh

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Here’s another song by the really talented Luke Sital-Singh. The one is really intriguing, and I’m still trying to figure out exactly how I understand / read the song (It’s the English major in me).

Here are some of the lyrics that I transcribed from the song:

“Well, it’s been too long. No, it’s been too long, and it’s all my fault this time. I’m a long way back in the distance now, and I don’t know if I’m strong. On the darkest night when I told you lies for a chance I might seem cool, well, the ghosts were there roaming in their underwear, making me look like a fool.

At the breakneck speed of tomorrow, I’m never letting you go. I’m never letting you go. At the heartbreak speed of tomorrow, I’m never letting you go. I’m never letting you go.”

I find his poetry mesmerizing.

Written by uncannynerdyguy

January 8, 2016 at 10:21 pm

Song in My Head Today: “We Don’t Belong Together” by Luke Sital-Singh

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I recently found Luke Sital-Singh thanks to an episode of The Flash on the CW (Netflix binge FTW). After falling in love with “Benediction,” I decided to download the rest of the album and quickly found myself entranced by his clear, powerful vocals and the folk-pop style that he has. Needless to say, I am listening to The Fire Inside, his 2014 album, on repeat and hoping that he’ll be touring at some point… but I digress.

“We Don’t Belong Together” is a song of contradictions and pleas that clearly expose a hope for connection between two people who “don’t belong together.” A love song of sorts, the disparity between what the song seems and the underlying message of disconnection plays with the mind even as the driving tune pleads the case that “Yea you feel alone / But we can feel alone together.”

Enjoy.

Written by uncannynerdyguy

December 22, 2015 at 5:52 pm

Throwback Song of the Day: “Celebrity Skin” from Hole

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Don’t know why this song has been in my head, but here it is. There’s something about the rawness of Courtney Love’s performance (both in the recording and live) that just energizes me on a level. Enjoy!

Written by uncannynerdyguy

December 21, 2015 at 12:41 am

Songs in My Head

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This song has been in my head, and thus, I share it with you.

Written by uncannynerdyguy

December 16, 2015 at 10:15 pm

Posted in music

30 and Existential Crises

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So I know that I’m not the only person who has ever turned 30, that my plight is one uncommon to other people out there, or any number of other things that people may or may not say about turning 30 (I also know that age is just a number and that I’m not that old). I also get that I am probably going to come off sounding like a whiny bitch to some people, and that’s fine. However, all I know is that I have done it once and will never do it again (unless I decided to remain perpetually 30 and lie about my age, which I also find to be a little weird if we’re just being honest with ourselves). And to be honest with you people of the internet, I’m not sure how I’m taking it. I constantly move somewhere between existential crisis and zen master of aging (everywhere in between is also an option here too), and I honestly think this is okay (maybe on a dark and stormy night when the moon is full and I transform into some sort of 30-ish monster…).

Yet even as I oscillate between this mode of questioning my existence as a non-twenty year old and accepting my place as a kick-ass mother fucker, I find myself contemplating life in general and things that I had never thought about till the last couple of years, mostly deal with my interpersonal relationships and where I view myself in the next five, ten, or twenty years.

I often joke with my friends that my life is in a mode that I need to either settle down and have a family with my 2.5 kids that the government or some sort of study says that I’m statistically supposed to have or move to far off lands and find my way in an entirely different world away from everything. While both of these ideas freak me out in many ways, part of me is longing for one or the other in various ways, even as I write this post.

For the past few years, I have lived a life that has not been a bad one. By no stretch of the imagination am I contemplating some sort of wrong turn that I’ve made. I have enjoyed the ride and the positions that I have been put in to a large degree (yes, everyone doubts something at some point). However, I am very painfully aware that I need a change and that where I am at is not satisfying me to the degree that I want anymore. This is where the dilemma lies. I am constantly thinking about the future and wondering where I fit in the grand scheme of the world, and this is the constant nagging conundrum that I often find myself in when I’m looking off into the distance  and people wonder if they have pissed me of, if someone peed in my Cheerios, etc. Dilemmas like these are not easily quashed, and even as I am one who plans fairly carefully and knows the path that I want to take, I find myself at a stalemate with myself in the current situation.

My first dilemma that I keep contemplating is whether or not I want to go to graduate school. I have many great individuals in my life that tell me I have so much potential and that I should pursue my PhD in order to give myself a leg up in the world that I am now in the middle of, higher education. While there are parts of me that think about this and get more excited than me getting excited about X-Men (if you haven’t ever read my blog, this is a lot), I find myself contemplating the vast inability to know if I will truly be successful with another degree or if I will be happier with a further advanced education. I am not knocking anyone who is pursuing higher education. I love it. Education is something that I am adamant about whether it be at a traditional four-year college / university, community college, or technical school. I believe that being educated is something that everyone should have if they desire it. My dilemma comes in the fact that I constantly question whether I am doing what I am supposed to do in the world or not. I love teaching. Even when my students are at their most annoying or I’m at my most exhausted, I find it a pleasure and an honor to be able to influence a group of persons to be better thinkers and writers, yet I also find myself wondering if I really do make that great of an impact from what I am doing. Thus, I constantly struggle with the question of whether or not to continue down this pathway.

Now, I’m not saying that I’m completely disillusioned with the idea of education, and if you check back with me in a year or two, I may nose-deep in a pile of books on medieval and early modern literature. I’m just saying, right now, I question my choices and am trying to make the right decision of me concerning this.

My second dilemma deals with the idea of being where I am at this particular moment. While this sounds vague, I am referring here to the idea of physical space. Right now, I sit in my apartment warm and comfortable close to people and places that have been around me all my life, and this is a nice feeling. I have told people before about my experience when I went away to college the first time. I got really homesick and ended up coming back to a college that was closer to my family. I have never doubted this move because it was the right thing for me to do at the time. My time at the smaller college allowed me to grow mentally and enabled me to grow slowly into the person that I am today. However, in the world that I am a part of now, I wonder if living in small town USA is really the right move for me at this moment in my life. I will tell you that I have never been one to take great risks or to put myself out there in a non-calculated or planned way (I guess it comes from the territory of being an INTJ on the Meyers-Briggs test); however, I find myself more and more everyday longing for the adventure of the the unknown.

I tell my students all the time that in my academic work I constantly find myself drawn to the mystical, to the sublime in works of literature. I find myself drawn to the things that border our reality, and I kind of want myself to be out there on the fringes, to be the one walking that border of the possible (the possible here being my life and what could be). I’m not saying that I want to escape into the wilds of Canada (maybe I have thought of this… and maybe if Trump is elected president… who knows?), but part of me is telling me that it is time to find something else out there “in the great wide somewhere” (to quote Belle from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast). I keep contemplating what might be best for me, and it becomes hard to think about striking out and doing this on my own. Still the thought of the matter intrigues me and makes me wonder what is in store for me in coming years (again maybe my “great wide” will be an adventure to PhD school). Who knows?

My final dilemma of late concerns my interpersonal life, especially as it concerns the aforementioned “getting married and having kids” thing. I know that they say that women’s biological clocks have a way of sneaking up on them and making them desire this (not to sound sexist or anything [#femist4life], but I have heard many female friends comment on this phenomenon or lack thereof). For most of my life, I have been a loner and have been perfectly fine with this. I like my own company and seek to have a lot of it most of the time (again, INTJ… we don’t do the whole introvert thing to be social butterflies).

Social media: “It’s is a trap!” (thanks Admiral Ackbar for that). I see on various social media sites my peers, friends from high school and college, and various others that I’ve engaged with on my journey (Not the band), and I see their lives and how they have fallen in love, wedded (or not. No judgement. I’m not sure about the whole marriage thing anyway. Again, INTJ), and had children. While I understand that these images and the reality that is portrayed on social media does not represent the real (this is a conversation for another time dealing with the complex ideology of people making themselves out to be better on social media than they are and the idea that social media presents a false truth and causes other to sink into depression… and all that), I do understand the desire to be with someone who completes you entirely and who you love unendlessly. I understand the desire to bring a new being into this world as a symbol of this bond, this love. And for some damn reason, I have subconsciously (and consciously at times) been having this manifest within my mind. I’m not saying that I’m going to go out and get married to just anyone (fuck no because I believe in finding the right one), yet much like salmon know that they have to return to their stream to mate (and if I were at work this statement would require me to pay money because of its overall pretentious nature), I feel something tugging on me to find that person that completes me, even though I don’t know whether I’ve met them or not or whether this is in the cards for me as an ultimate reality or not.

Now, that I’ve dropped all this on my readers (who are probably scratching their heads and wondering who I am because I haven’t posted in a while… sorry), my friends (who are now thinking that they might have a mentally unstable person on their hands and want to hug me… don’t… just don’t…), and others who might be experiencing the same things, I want you to know that I’m not really typing this to get a reaction. I’m not wanting attention (and of course some jackass out there is going to say “but that’s what a person wanting attention would say”… *sigh*). I’m wanting to find some semblance of catharsis. A catharsis that can’t be reached by people patting me on the back and saying they understand. It’s one of simple knowledge of where I am and where I am going. I am notoriously bad at sharing my feelings and thoughts (#shocker), and I feel like this might let some people into what has been going on in my mind. But mostly in this reality that surrounds us all, I’m wanting others out there who might be struggling through some of these things (or other issues that are grossly different) to know that they’re not alone. You can feel, and you can debate. There’s nothing wrong with that. And even if you don’t share, there are people out there that commiserate with you across the distance although you might not know them.

And with this, I bid you all ado for the evening.

 

Written by uncannynerdyguy

December 4, 2015 at 10:38 pm