Bleh with Barry

Random with a cynical twist of lime.

Posts Tagged ‘sorrow

Thinking on Death and What One Leaves Behind

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My grandmother passed away recently. She was a great woman who helped raise me and my cousins when we were children, and she has continued to touch my life even after I grew up and didn’t have as much interaction with her as I did then. After a five year battle with cancer, she passed away having seen all her sisters, children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and many nieces and nephews. She leaves behind a legacy that will continue on for a long time to come.

When she planned her funeral, she made it very traditional. She knew exactly what she wanted and had the services carried out in the way that she saw fit. So she went out on her own terms even as she planned them. We even had a laugh at the graveside when we realized that she was late to her own funeral as she and we had said that she would be. She was buried like many people are, and now, there will be a grave that we will visit every year like we do the rest of my grandparents and relatives that have gone on.

However, I find this problematic on so many levels as this sets up a shrine that many will go to to remember her. This is the notion that always makes me a little antsy and causes me to have scruples about what I want when I ultimately go through that process that we all have to. I will tell you that I don’t want people to feel obligated to go to a place and visit me. I don’t want anything like this. I want people to remember me in the small things: a kiss we shared, a laugh, a song we sang too loudly in the car, a judgmental look, whatever it may be. I want it to creep up on them and for them to find themselves suddenly taken with it. Now, this doesn’t mean that I want people to cry (although I know that some might… I’m pretty sure that one of my sisters would if she read this right now), but if that’s the way one reacts, then, they should do it then.

But why I’m writing this now, other than trying to find some catharsis in my grandmother’s loss, is that a student video from Dorian Lebherz & Daniel Titz, two film students, came across my Facebook feed. It is a student directed advertisement for Johnnie Walker Whisky, but it is a beautiful thing. The sentiment is beautiful and is captured in the direction and acting within it. However, the most beautiful part might be the poem voiced-over the entire piece, a poem written by Dorian Lebherz & Daniel Titz and John Reilly:

“Walking the roads of our youth

through the land of our childhood, our home and our truth

Be near me, guide me

always stay beside me so i can be free, free

Lets roam this place

familiar and vast

our playground of green frames, our past

We were wanderers

never lost, always home

When every place was fenceless

and time was endless

our ways were always the same

Cool my demons and walk with me brother

until our roads lead us away from each other

and if your heart’s full of sorrow, keep walking, don’t rest

and promise me from heart to chest

to never let your memories die, never

I will always be alive and by your side,

in your mind

I’m free”

As I write this now, I find myself crying a little, which is big if you know me. There is just something here that touches on everything that I’m thinking and feeling right now. So I hope this doesn’t bum you out too much, but this is just lovely.

 

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Spiral

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Another helping hand,

My friends Jack, Jameson,

Jimmy Beam.

Comfort me as I try

To forget about the smile,

The parting words,

The long dead echo of laughter.

Now dust clings to chapstick on a dresser,

Money lies that will never be touched again,

Shoes left still caked with mud.

Fill my tumbler friends and help me forget…

Or remember. And build my courage up to face

The ghost another day.

Written by barryr22

May 22, 2010 at 9:32 pm

Celestial Minds

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Celestial Minds

Ode to My Grandmother’s Love Letters

 There are no stars tonight

But those of memory

 They twinkle brightly

Against the canvas of my mind.

 Yet the others flicker and extinguish

The more I try to focus on them.

 The say it’s a disease

A black hole in my consciousness.

 Will all my orbs be consumed?

Will I be left pitch black…empty?

Written by barryr22

February 26, 2010 at 11:28 pm